1. Wear my braces headgear to school. 
   I told that bully Robb Nelson that my dentist made me wear it 20 hours per day so I had to wear it during school. That was a lie. I thought it was cool. I easily could have satisfied the required 8 hours per day while sleeping, but then nobody would’ve seen me in my sweet robot mask, so fuck that. 
   
    



2. Watch Grease over 300 times (I’m QUITE serious) by the time I graduated from the 3rd grade. Sometimes I insisted being called Frenchie (so inappropriate for a 7-year-old) because I thought she had the best career aspirations of the bunch. A true role model. 
   
    



3. Listen to these cassette tapes:
   
   • Cheech the Schoolbus Driver - Yep, this is a children’s act featuring Cheech Marin of Cheech & Chong fame. He played a wacky Mexican bus driver who takes his young patrons on wild adventures where they learn important lessons like racial equality, independence, and how to get to school on time even if you accidentally take a wrong turn and somehow end up inside someone’s brain learning about seratonin. 
     
     
     
   • Barbie & the Rockers - I was so delusional/naive that I thought Cyndi Lauper had stolen Barbie’s material when I heard “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” on a real radio station. I still hold some unexplainable grudge against the Laup, but this could also be attributed to her extremely offensive overall personal appearance. 
     
      = ugly talent theif
     
      = awesome hit-making BFFLs
   
   
4. Wear just my swimsuit and cleats to baseball practice.
   I would do this if I had swim practice right after baseball. I thought I was making it pretty clear to my cute male teammates that I was a strong, athletic female who was also capable of exuding sheer sexiness. 

Thanks, parents. Thanks a lot. I guess I turned out… OK…?