Posts tagged Boys
Posts tagged Boys
Urban Outfitters is really connecting with me today.
“That project won’t take very long. Just whip it out.”
This afternoon, Liz’s confusion of two simple phrases led to an incredibly awkward situation with a middle-aged male coworker.
“Whip through it” + “”Crank it out” = “Whip it out” and a pending sexual harassment charge.
Mafia Wars or Farmville
Name: Lynn, age 47, Part time administrative assistant, Mary Kay sales person
Your Life: You like to eat Doritos while watching The Biggest Loser and other shows about fat people getting skinny. You also really love Bejeweled and often lose track of time while playing one of these games on Friday nights, causing you to miss whatever plans you didn’t actually have. You don’t really care though because you’re wearing that white, hoodless sweatshirt with a picture of kittens playing in a basket. Ha ha, gee wiz, that sweatshirt is just the best.
Name: Chloe, age 14 and a half, High school freshman, 3.67 GPA, 3rd chair french horn in orchestra
Your Life: One time your cousin asked you if you wanted to smoke weed and you blushed, put your hand (in the shape of an “L”) up to your forehead, and ran to your room so you could journal about how hard it is growing into a strong, independent, drug-free woman. The Sims makes you feel in control and productive. However, you also blush when your Sims make out.
Nike + GPS or any other fitness tracking app
Name: Nathan, not Nate, age 28, Account Exec. at a small yet profitable local advertising agency
Your Life: Right now you’re super busy training for your 3rd Ironman in as many years. Marathons just weren’t a challenge anymore. You have an automatic car starter, you say “Bullshit” a lot, and you’re in between girlfriends at the moment because all girls are crazy.
Scrabble or Words with Friends
Name: Christofer (with an F), age 23, Bartender, drummer/founding member of a band called “That One Time”
Your Life: You snagged a four-year degree from a private liberal arts college on the East Coast, but you decided to follow your musical calling. You’re mom is pissed about it, and you’re a little embarrassed when you see high school classmates at the bar, but, to be fair, you majored in art history, so you weren’t really being serious about it anyway. You like playing Facebook Scrabble with your 9-to-5 friends because you feel super validated winning against someone who regularly submits themselves to The Man. You’re much free-er than they are.
Here’s a little diddy I wrote for the Tangential:
Security questions I am asked:
- Where did you go on your honeymoon?
Shut up, Associated Bank, I’m sure you can put two and two together when my bank statement showcases nightly visits to the gas station to buy pints of Ben & Jerry’s.
- What’s your favorite sports team?
What team is Tom…
Pros: like a million
Consensus: WEAR IT
Married to my cousin Jameson and living in a pink treehouse underneath a rainbow. We also have like 16 puppies that never grow up into real dogs, they just stay puppies forever and poop out bite-size Oreos.
Accomplished Olympic swimmer with so many gold medals that I couldn’t feasibly wear them all at the same time because it would break my neck and the shine would be too much for the eyes of mere humans.
Dating someone like Travis Barker or a Sum 41 band member, touring the country in a pimped out Greyhound, drinking big-can-energy-drinks and being “punky.” We would be so rich that we would install DVD players on our BMX bikes so we could watch Jackass movies while doing tricks on that ramp thingie.
The high school kids’ favorite math teacher. They call Miss Kel and come to me with their teen issues ‘cuz they know I know what’s hip. The sexy, slightly older principle plays footsie with me under the table at staff meetings, but I’m just stringing him along because I’m actually dating a different personal trainer from each of the 3 Lifetime Fitnesses in my neighborhood.
Definitely not getting drunk all the time anymore…
For real though, not getting drunk all the time anymore. And making a butt-ton more money than I was at 24.
Note: 25th birthday = Oct. 5, 2011, so there’s still time…
Whoopsie, you got a hickey. You’re probably a little proud. More importantly, you’re probably a lot embarrassed. You’re gonna have to hide that since your dreadlocks pretty much rule out the “I burned myself with a curling iron” excuse. Just wear that cowl neck sweater to your office job, goooooood idea. It’s the middle of August, BTW, you idiot. At least people know you generated some interest from a boy. Actually, they don’t know it was a boy. You have dreadlocks, after all, so they probably assume you’re a lesbian.
The Facial Bruise
When’s the last time you had a bruise on your face? Oh… never? Yeah, because that doesn’t happen. Well, whatever you do, don’t tell them the real story of how you got it. Punching yourself in the chin because you just had to get that sticky glue stick cap off doesn’t sound very sexy. And believe me, you’re gonna need to hold on to every sexy point you can ‘cuz that facial bruise isn’t helping.
The Uncontrollable Blemish
So you’ve been moving to a new apartment, which always stresses you out to the max. Apparently you were so stressed that you actually went through puberty again. It’s a scientific anomaly, but it happened, so how do you deal with the biggest zit in the time/space continuum that has taken up residency in the middle of your forehead? Well, you can’t comb your bangs over it because you don’t have bangs. You chose dreadlocks. You’ll just have to ride it out. Roll with the punches. Laugh with your coworkers when one of them names the zit “Patrick” and starts talking to it like you’re not even in the room. Try not to blush when someone tries to feed Patrick a sundae and gets whipped cream in your hair.
*NOTE: I’m talking about you. Not me, even though I also have dreadlocks. YOU.