Posts tagged Celebs

• Hilter
• The Spiderman film trilogy
• Tsunamis
• Michael Jackson
• Michael Jackson dying
• The Teaparty
• Nuclear weapons
• Any change regarding Facebook’s format, look, way of operating, etc.

• Watching Free Willy so many times that my eyes fall out or my heart explodes from being exposed to too much love.


• Involved in a trampoline-related fetish accident with Ryan Phillipe.


• In a SAW movie where the trap is that I have to eat myself out of room made of peanut butter.


• As one of the orchestra musicians who kept playing while the Titanic went down. Such ROMANCE! Straight to Heaven, that bunch. Straight to Heaven.


• Accidentally stabbed by my pet unicorn’s forehead horn thingie while playfully wrestling in a pile of our money.


• In a blast of light and sound while being sucked in to the Space Time Continuum, which is what happens when you beat the internet. Also, “The Final Countdown” is playing.

Don’t be nervous. Jeff Bridges called you for a reason. He leads a busy life and would most likely appreciate a little chillax sesh. Grab your flask and take him somewhere serene where you can relax and talk about life and spirituality in gruff voices. Watching a Montana sunset while dangling your legs off the side of a cliff would be ideal. Scared of heights/not in or around Montana? That’s OK, you’ll figure something out. But whatever you do, do not take him to a bowling alley. He’ll call you a “wise guy,” and spit on your back when you fall down clutching your crotch (which he just kicked).

Wait, wait, wait… have you even thought of what you’ll wear? Denim is always a good choice, but don’t be an “obvious cowboy.” Jeff Bridges admires subtlety. You can always go the “hint of twang” route by incorporating a western item in with an otherwise non-western ensemble. Think bolero or maybe some spurs. That’s raw.

Like location and outfit, conversation is something you’ll want to choose carefully. The most important thing to remember is that he already knows the lines of the movies he’s been in. He was in them. They’re his fucking lines. He doesn’t need some jackass to remind him of what a quality character “The Dude” was. Material like “That rug really tied the room together” and anything having to do with Vietnam, toes by 3 o’clock, or rolling/not rolling on Shabbos are reserved for 19-year-old college stoners. If you want his respect, and let’s face it… you do, you’re going to have to dig deeper. Also, Jeff Bridges isn’t pestering you to talk about super embarrassing thing you did that one time, is he? No, he’s not, so in mutual respect, don’t bring up Tron. You’d think he would also hate talking about the fact that he was in Stick It, but in reality, he admires the tween gymnastics film for being the edgy voyage of self-discovery that it is.

Lastly, try to play it cool. Don’t text him tomorrow saying what a great time you had. Jeff Bridges doesn’t text and he certainly doesn’t want to hear your pathetic compliments about how manly his beard is. So just save it. He’ll call you. Or he’ll have that whiny MILF Maggie Gyllenhaal call you. Whatever he wants. He’s Jeff Bridges, after all. Who the fuck are you? 

I unknowingly embarking on my first 3D movie adventure last night while seeing “Captain America.” Boy oh boy, it sure was… like watching a regular movie. Except, pretty much everything scared me to point of peeing myself.

OK, to set the scene, I am literally chalk-full of irrational fears. Sharks, cell phone explosions, and the possibility of my house flooding from floor to ceiling (thus, me drowning in my sleep) are always on my mind. So don’t even get me started on the rational ones like loud gun/bomb/fight-y noises and objects reaching out from what should be a two-dimensional medium. Oofdah.

I’m afraid that reliving the film in order to review it adequately on my blog is just a little more than my frail heart can handle.

Half-Assed Review:

It was loud. Dude is seer hot. Lots of bad guys (aka Nazis, ever heard of ‘em?). Tommy Lee Jones is getting pretty old. Just kiss already. Wait, where did Samuel L. Jackson come from? 

Perks of 3D:

• I think, and I’m not completely sure so don’t quote me on this, that Chris Evans’ abs have abs of their own. 
• I did enjoy looking at myself in the mirror while wearing those thick-rimmed hipster glasses. I think I did  a lot of hair fluffing, for optimal facial framing purposes. I’m a huge fan of cute yet useless accessories. HUGE fan.
• 3D movies have a concession stand, just like the regular movies, so that’s cool.

NO (even though you prolly will anyway)

• Rupert Murdoch pie in the face
  
• Oven plank fail
• Definition of “Duck Butter” (I’m warning you…)

YES

• 241543903
• Harry Potter GIFs
• Rupert Murdoch hot wife

Oldies but Awesomzies

• Kim Kardashian sunburn
• BABY BABY “Fire!” video

1. My dreadlocks
   Grandma: “Those corn rows. What’s up with those corn rows? You look like Jimi Hendrix.” 
   
   Me: “Grandma, Jimi Hendrix had a huge afro. Besides, I have dreadlocks, not corn rows. You know, like Bob Marley, if we must put it in terms of African American musical legends.”
   
   Grandma: “Yeah, Obama, Michael Jordan, and Malcom X. Whatever. The point is, do boys like girls with dreadlocks, Kels? Well, DO THEY?” 
   
   Me: “Oh, you made a list of black men. Good job, Grandma.”
    
2. My complete lack of domestic skills
   Apparently having the ability to cross stitch knee slappers like “Home Sweet Mess” and “Once I quit golf. It was the hardest day of my life.” on to couch pillows and frame-able doilies will never go out of style.
   
   
3. My foul mouth
   Grandma: “I remember when I could get a quarter from you for saying ‘stupid’ or ‘shoot.’ I’d be a rich B-word if I started charging $5 every time you complain about your coworker who was being a slutty  ‘See You Next Wednesday’ as you say.”
   
   Me: “Close enough.”
   
   
4. I’m too techy
   Grandma: ”You’re on the computer too much. You talk about the Twitter all the time. You spend too much time learning ‘technology’ (does the quotation mark action with fingers) stuff. You’re like a female bodybuilder, but for ‘technology.’ (does it again) And nobody likes female bodybuilders.”
   
   Me: “First of all, Grandma, that analogy was ridiculous. In other news, you don’t have to put ‘quotation marks’ (does the quotation mark action with fingers) around the word ‘technology.’ (does it again) It’s not theoretical. It exists.” 
   
   
5. My big feet
   She’s awfully worried they don’t even make wedding shoes in size 11. “But you’ll probably want to get married barefoot at an outdoor music festival anyway, right Kels?”

Copypaste: I have already lost literally seconds of my life putting the slash in between the words “copy” and “paste” and I’m only 24 and three quarters. If “copypaste” isn’t instituted, I’ll prolly have used like 30 minutes by the end of my life. I could have watched a whole nother (wait for it) Toddlers & Tiaras episode.

Nother: See above example. It just sounds right.

Snoogers: These are the messy combinations of boogers and slime that fly out of your nose when you have a super explosive sneeze.

Snoogershame: The mortified feeling that washes over you after the snoogers come out everywhere. It’s awful, especially in front of people, but you deserve it because you’re dispicable and disgusting. *light bulb*

Disgustable: Despicable + disgusting. If you are ever described as “disgustable” you should just go live in Antarctica or something. Or you could hang out with other disgustables like Charlie Sheen and that guy who played Screech. Whatever you choose, just get you snoogers outta my face. Eww.