Posts tagged Childhood

• Comas
  When someone was said to be in “a coma,” I thought that they had taken some time off work and were lounging on a beach in a place called “Acoma.” It didn’t really help that my grandma once explained being in a coma to me as a going on “life vacation.”


• Dog Food vs. People Food
  Earlier in life, I was often found pounding kibble bits while my four-legged homie huffed my applesauce. Grass is always greener, ya know?


• Sexual Orientation as a Profession
  I thought our lesbian neighbors were gay the way my dad was a lawyer and my mom was a nurse. The gayer, or more flamboyant, you were, the better you were at your chosen “profession.” I was pretty confused when my mom said there was no doubt in her mind that a boy at my 2nd grade bus stop was a flamer. I remember thinking, “But he hasn’t even gone to college yet… he must be really smart.”


• 2nd and 3rd Base
  I still don’t think I know what they are. Isn’t there a rhyme I should have learned at some point?

1. Playing with matches in my childhood bed.
   Age 7
   I was found out when my mom discovered the burn marks in the sheets. I told her it had been a test because I thought she was slacking on her chores. It was nice to finally know that I could trust that she was doing her motherly duty of washing my bedding.


2. Rolling up pieces of napkins while my family was eating at a restaurant, telling them I had to go to the bathroom, then going outside and pretending to smoke them like cigarettes.
   Age 9
   The Ground Round by HarMar Mall turned into World War III real quick.


3. Having my AIM password as “MomsFartsStink55.”
   Age 14
   Well, they did. And how was I supposed to know she would read an article telling her to check up on her kids’ online activities to make sure they weren’t unknowingly getting involved in child sex trafficking? She said I couldn’t see “Dude Where’s My Car?” or get my ears double pierced until I told her my log-in. Talk about leverage.


4. Making a mythology video for my 10th grade English class project entitled “Smokey McDoobie Saves the Day.”
   Age 16
   It involved a lot of Ken Dolls reenacting scenes from the Odyssey and featured every 420 reference we could think of. It was literally brimming with cinematic integrity, obvi. Despite getting a call home from our teacher, I believe we got a B+ (!?).


5. Participating in Nugget-Offs (the ultimate carnivorous competition) before high school swim meets.
   Age 17
   One day, after an especially fierce showing at the Midway Wendy’s, I broke the school record in the 100 yard butterfly, then barfed everywhere (in the pool, out of the pool, you name it). And to the St. Paul City Swimming Conference, I issue this challenge: Just try to forget Kelsey McDonough. I dare you.

Marcus Michalik’s recent Tangential post about the things he collected as a kid really brought me back. Here’s what I wasted my childhood collecting:

1. Pogs
   This one is a given for any child born between 1980 and 1991, even though I don’t recall actually knowing how to play pogs. Regardless, I had a ton, mostly of the Animaniacs and Looney Tunes varieties. Mine were generally gotten as prizes for selling Happenings coupon books for our elementary school band. You got cooler prizes for selling the candy bars, but my mom wouldn’t let me participate in that fundraiser because I always ate them all on the bus ride home from school. Sorry I’m not sorry, Mom. The toffee ones were better than love. Plus, I was only sorta fat, so gimme a break.



2. Bars of Hotel Soap
   I never unwrapped or used them. I had a small sock drawer in my dresser devoted to housing them in a safe, dry environment. For some reason I valued this collection above all others. Like maybe people would steal all my beautiful, individually packaged, overly fragrant soap, if they only knew where I kept it…



3. Rocks
   An older cousin convinced me that rocks with any amount of sheen were actually slightly dirtied diamonds. This resulted in me picking up these treasures everywhere I went. My shorts were always falling down due to the weight of this collection and this is what turned me on to short-alls (overalls sans the restricting bottom half of the pants). Everyday was short-alls day.
   
   I saved up my money and bought a rock tumbler/shiner thing so I could buff the outside elements off of my precious stones. I never got to reap the benefits of this collection, however, because I threw my rock tumbler/shiner thing at my sister when she said only lesbians liked the Spice Girls. It hit the wall instead of her head (despite all my baseball practice) and broke.



4. Business Cards
   I considered this to be a very responsible, grown-up collection. I followed my parents around to some super boring shit (craft fairs, nonprofit lawyers networking events, etc.) just to score some business card swag. Sure, Beth (my 16 year-old neighbor) lifeguarded in the summer to save money for college, but I was collecting business cards! We’ll see who has the leg up, Bethy. Weeeeeeeeeee’ll see. *laughs maniacally while tapping finger tips together*