Puppy : Step :: Kelsey as a fat kid : Balance Beam
I just realized that Mark Hoppus of Blink 182 was at the same Twins game as me last night. My 7th-9th grade self just rolled her eyes back into her skull, peed herself and fainted. She now lies frothy-mouthed, convulsing on the ground with sheer joy.
Marcus Michalik’s recent Tangential post about the things he collected as a kid really brought me back. Here’s what I wasted my childhood collecting:
This one is a given for any child born between 1980 and 1991, even though I don’t recall actually knowing how to play pogs. Regardless, I had a ton, mostly of the Animaniacs and Looney Tunes varieties. Mine were generally gotten as prizes for selling Happenings coupon books for our elementary school band. You got cooler prizes for selling the candy bars, but my mom wouldn’t let me participate in that fundraiser because I always ate them all on the bus ride home from school. Sorry I’m not sorry, Mom. The toffee ones were better than love. Plus, I was only sorta fat, so gimme a break.
- Bars of Hotel Soap
I never unwrapped or used them. I had a small sock drawer in my dresser devoted to housing them in a safe, dry environment. For some reason I valued this collection above all others. Like maybe people would steal all my beautiful, individually packaged, overly fragrant soap, if they only knew where I kept it…
An older cousin convinced me that rocks with any amount of sheen were actually slightly dirtied diamonds. This resulted in me picking up these treasures everywhere I went. My shorts were always falling down due to the weight of this collection and this is what turned me on to short-alls (overalls sans the restricting bottom half of the pants). Everyday was short-alls day.
I saved up my money and bought a rock tumbler/shiner thing so I could buff the outside elements off of my precious stones. I never got to reap the benefits of this collection, however, because I threw my rock tumbler/shiner thing at my sister when she said only lesbians liked the Spice Girls. It hit the wall instead of her head (despite all my baseball practice) and broke.
- Business Cards
I considered this to be a very responsible, grown-up collection. I followed my parents around to some super boring shit (craft fairs, nonprofit lawyers networking events, etc.) just to score some business card swag. Sure, Beth (my 16 year-old neighbor) lifeguarded in the summer to save money for college, but I was collecting business cards! We’ll see who has the leg up, Bethy. Weeeeeeeeeee’ll see. *laughs maniacally while tapping finger tips together*