Posts tagged Drunk

Remember when Liz & I were still hungover onMonday from her Saturday night bachelorette party and ate Wendy’s for breakfast and Culver’s for lunch? 

As much as we’d all love to pretend we only drink Gray Goose and speak in British accents while playing vintage Sinatra albums with our 34th generation iPads on our yacht, the truth is, we’ve all dabbled in cheap vodka. Mama’s gotta save those doll-hairs so she can pay extra for Showtime, ya dig? That being said, Svedka has been my lets-get-drunk-but-not-spend-too-much-money-while-still-feeling-like-a-grown-up-or-at-least-not-a-high-schooler drink of choice for some time now. Until they introduced the sexy robot commercials. I hate to be a hater (no I don’t), but I have some beef with her…

• OK, slogan first: “The official vodka of 2033”… wait, what’ll be happening then? Is she implying that we as the Human Race are not quite ready for the superior taste that Svedka offers? ‘Cuz last time I checked, I could handle it pretty well. So well, in fact, that my infamous Two Day Hangover almost branched into uncharted three-day territory. Yeesh.


• Now on to the sexy robot herself… She has her name tattooed on her thigh? First of all, that seems pretty conceited. Also, thigh tattoos seem a bit slutty to me, but maybe they’re a little more acceptable (dare I say… trendy?) by 2033? Only time will tell. 


• She is an obvious iRobot rip off. My senses tell me Will Smith doesn’t drink Svedka for a number of reasons, but I bet that’s one of them. 


• Her involvement with liquid of any kind seems rather irresponsible. She can’t even drink vodka because she would short circuit or blow a fuse or something sparkly and self-destructive would happen.

Get over yourself, honey. You’re in the wrong profession. I suggest seeking alternative employment at Best Buy or The Future or something. TTYL.

A - #AwwHellNo

B - #BrainerdWorkVaca
Atleast the hotel had cookies at the front desk. OH WAIT, THEY WERE OUT. Fuckin’ Brainerd. 

C - #ClassicGoobs
For boogers? 

D - #DontYouDareWoofAtMe
For dogs? 

E - #EffThisNose
I think I probably meant “noise?” If not, I was actually unaware of my apparently subconscious hatred of my schnoz.

F - #FrankOceanSwoonyPants
I mean, right?

G - #GrandOldDay
Don’t ask me, I don’t seem to remember anything. #TooManyMimosas 

H - #HeckYes
I refuse to believe that Napoleon Dynamite quotes are finished. 

I - #IWannaDie
Every Saturday/Sunday morning. 

J - #JustSayin
I “just say” a lot of stuff. 

K - #KelseyFact
No one cares, Kels. 

L - #LAWLZ

M - #MyFeetFeelFatDotCom
Just one of those days, ya heard? 

N - #NowPlaying

O - #OffBeats
In reference to my annoying french horn parts when playing in Family Band, a twice annual familial music group formed by all my cousins, aunts/uncles, sisters, parents, and Grandpa on the tuba. We play Christmas carols in Dec. and Sousa marches in July. We suck.

P - #PizzaLuceBlockParty
Little did I know that the cool kids were tweeting sans the “pizza” at #LuceBlockParty. 

Q - #QuestionablePoopLikeStainOnSidewalk
Outside the CVS in Midway. Don’t know why I was surprised, being that I was at the Midway CVS and all. 

R - #RomanticFrenchHipHopSwag
Talking about MC Solaar, tryin’ to be cool. You know how it is.  

S - #SweatySwag
This is what I have after I got for a run and have convinced myself that I still look/smell just fine. 

T - #TeenSanta
A Shane Shane song you must know. 

U - #UTJUSYhahahhaha
This was obviously some sort of “hilarious” acronym I came up with while drunk. 

V - #VaginalInterpretation
??? 

W - #WineDrunk
What else is new, eh? 

X - I have no hashtags saved in my phone that start with “x.” Suggestions?

Y - #YuckBuckFuckCluckDuckMuckTRUCK
♥ rhyming. ♥ trucks.

Z - #ZebrasWhatWhatInTheButt
Apparently I was pretty stoked to see my striped friends at the Como Zoo. 

Pros

• People will think you’re athletic. Wanna step it up? Wear a medal or a race bib or something to make them think you’re good ‘n’ fit.
• If someone says you smell bad, tell them it’s because you just ran a marathon, so lay the fuck off.
• If you go home with a boy and have to do the Walk of Shame the next morning, you can just jog it out. People will think, “Now there is responsible young adult. Waking up on Saturday morning to exercise! I bet she never makes drunken mistakes that she’ll regret forever. What a role model!”
• You can time all kinds of stuff with that high tech, split-calculating watch you’ve got on. Is your drunk friend wondering how much time passes between each of her hiccups? No prob (brushes imaginary dust of shoulder).
• You’ll save money by sneaking booze into the bar in those little water bottles you attach to that runner’s fanny pack/waistband thing.
• People will most certainly look at you. Everybody needs a little attention now and then. If this is the only way for you to get it, then so be it.

Cons

• If someone asks you do prove your athleticism by doing something inherently “athletic,” you might be in trouble. Best to have a little diddy prepared like a good Toe Touch Stretch or something.
• Yes, athletic gear will offer you a Walk of Shame sans the shame, however, the probability of you going home with someone, let alone getting hit on, while wearing spandex shorts, an oversized t-shirt, and your ratty-ass Asics is very slim.

Pros: like a million
Cons: 2
Consensus: WEAR IT 

Age 3
Married to my cousin Jameson and living in a pink treehouse underneath a rainbow. We also have like 16 puppies that never grow up into real dogs, they just stay puppies forever and poop out bite-size Oreos.

Age 9
Accomplished Olympic swimmer with so many gold medals that I couldn’t feasibly wear them all at the same time because it would break my neck and the shine would be too much for the eyes of mere humans.

Age 14
Dating someone like Travis Barker or a Sum 41 band member, touring the country in a pimped out Greyhound, drinking big-can-energy-drinks and being “punky.” We would be so rich that we would install DVD players on our BMX bikes so we could watch Jackass movies while doing tricks on that ramp thingie.

Age 18
The high school kids’ favorite math teacher. They call Miss Kel and come to me with their teen issues ‘cuz they know I know what’s hip. The sexy, slightly older principle plays footsie with me under the table at staff meetings, but I’m just stringing him along because I’m actually dating a different personal trainer from each of the 3 Lifetime Fitnesses in my neighborhood.

Age 21
Definitely not getting drunk all the time anymore…

Age 24
For real though, not getting drunk all the time anymore. And making a butt-ton more money than I was at 24.

Note: 25th birthday = Oct. 5, 2011, so there’s still time…

• Wake up, slightly sweaty, hair still in ponytail, hoop earrings still in ears, phone underneath my body. At least I took my shoes off. Actually, I think I walked home barefoot, so I don’t really know where my shoes are, to tell you the truth.


• Pick up ketchup bottle from the floor next to my bed, put it back in the fridge. I hope I wasn’t eating it on that half-eaten tortilla on my bedside table. C’mon Kelsey.


• Drink the entire contents of the Britta water filter (from the pitcher itself). This thirst is way beyond cups. 


• Stick face under kitchen faucet. Drink that water, too.


• Toy with the idea of taking a shower. Decide I really should shower. Gather shower items while pouting about decision like this. Sit down in shower, but only for a second, jeeze, lay off!


• Drive to work. Stop at Super America for my “Sunday Survival Supplies” (3 bottles of Powerade Zero and a Milky Way). Whatev, Cashier! Like you’ve never accidentally drank 6 tallboys and then accidentally taken a double shot of Wild Turkey at last call. It was an ax-si-dent!


• Serve people their brunch. Complain about everything (customers, weather, general state of my life, etc.). Mix a handful of Ibuprofen into the hashbrowns I stole from the kitchen. 


• Leave work. Think about going to the beach or working out. Decide I’ll do those things after I do some laundry.


• Put in one load of laundry and fall asleep watching an iCarly marathon with my sunglasses on and one hand still in a bag of Tostito’s Scoops.


• Wake up from nap. Feel guilty about wasting another Sunday. Promise myself that next Sunday will be different.


• Put laundry in the dryer. Eat any and all leftovers in the fridge. Drink the whole Britta again. Pee for like 4 minutes straight. Go to bed.

The Smith Westerns played at the Triple Rock several months ago. It was a little too hip and non-dancie, so @jking26, @lizzietru, and I tried to stir things up.

We were also a little drunk and took approx 37 photos for our “future album cover” in the bathroom. We decided on this one because it says “We’re funny and sorta pretty and we’ll surprise you with our levels of ROCK.” P.S. None of us can play an instrument. Actually, I was 2nd chair french horn in high school, so…

My tweets will tell you absolutely nothing about how the show was. Read them if you so choose.