Posts tagged Drunk
Posts tagged Drunk
Remember when Liz & I were still hungover onMonday from her Saturday night bachelorette party and ate Wendy’s for breakfast and Culver’s for lunch?
As much as we’d all love to pretend we only drink Gray Goose and speak in British accents while playing vintage Sinatra albums with our 34th generation iPads on our yacht, the truth is, we’ve all dabbled in cheap vodka. Mama’s gotta save those doll-hairs so she can pay extra for Showtime, ya dig? That being said, Svedka has been my lets-get-drunk-but-not-spend-too-much-money-while-still-feeling-like-a-grown-up-or-at-least-not-a-high-schooler drink of choice for some time now. Until they introduced the sexy robot commercials. I hate to be a hater (no I don’t), but I have some beef with her…
Get over yourself, honey. You’re in the wrong profession. I suggest seeking alternative employment at Best Buy or The Future or something. TTYL.
Here’s a little diddy I wrote for the Tangential:
Security questions I am asked:
- Where did you go on your honeymoon?
Shut up, Associated Bank, I’m sure you can put two and two together when my bank statement showcases nightly visits to the gas station to buy pints of Ben & Jerry’s.
- What’s your favorite sports team?
What team is Tom…
A - #AwwHellNo
B - #BrainerdWorkVaca
Atleast the hotel had cookies at the front desk. OH WAIT, THEY WERE OUT. Fuckin’ Brainerd.
C - #ClassicGoobs
D - #DontYouDareWoofAtMe
E - #EffThisNose
I think I probably meant “noise?” If not, I was actually unaware of my apparently subconscious hatred of my schnoz.
F - #FrankOceanSwoonyPants
I mean, right?
G - #GrandOldDay
Don’t ask me, I don’t seem to remember anything. #TooManyMimosas
H - #HeckYes
I refuse to believe that Napoleon Dynamite quotes are finished.
I - #IWannaDie
Every Saturday/Sunday morning.
J - #JustSayin
I “just say” a lot of stuff.
K - #KelseyFact
No one cares, Kels.
L - #LAWLZ
M - #MyFeetFeelFatDotCom
Just one of those days, ya heard?
N - #NowPlaying
O - #OffBeats
In reference to my annoying french horn parts when playing in Family Band, a twice annual familial music group formed by all my cousins, aunts/uncles, sisters, parents, and Grandpa on the tuba. We play Christmas carols in Dec. and Sousa marches in July. We suck.
P - #PizzaLuceBlockParty
Little did I know that the cool kids were tweeting sans the “pizza” at #LuceBlockParty.
Q - #QuestionablePoopLikeStainOnSidewalk
Outside the CVS in Midway. Don’t know why I was surprised, being that I was at the Midway CVS and all.
R - #RomanticFrenchHipHopSwag
Talking about MC Solaar, tryin’ to be cool. You know how it is.
S - #SweatySwag
This is what I have after I got for a run and have convinced myself that I still look/smell just fine.
T - #TeenSanta
A Shane Shane song you must know.
U - #UTJUSYhahahhaha
This was obviously some sort of “hilarious” acronym I came up with while drunk.
V - #VaginalInterpretation
W - #WineDrunk
What else is new, eh?
X - I have no hashtags saved in my phone that start with “x.” Suggestions?
Y - #YuckBuckFuckCluckDuckMuckTRUCK
♥ rhyming. ♥ trucks.
Z - #ZebrasWhatWhatInTheButt
Apparently I was pretty stoked to see my striped friends at the Como Zoo.
Pros: like a million
Consensus: WEAR IT
Married to my cousin Jameson and living in a pink treehouse underneath a rainbow. We also have like 16 puppies that never grow up into real dogs, they just stay puppies forever and poop out bite-size Oreos.
Accomplished Olympic swimmer with so many gold medals that I couldn’t feasibly wear them all at the same time because it would break my neck and the shine would be too much for the eyes of mere humans.
Dating someone like Travis Barker or a Sum 41 band member, touring the country in a pimped out Greyhound, drinking big-can-energy-drinks and being “punky.” We would be so rich that we would install DVD players on our BMX bikes so we could watch Jackass movies while doing tricks on that ramp thingie.
The high school kids’ favorite math teacher. They call Miss Kel and come to me with their teen issues ‘cuz they know I know what’s hip. The sexy, slightly older principle plays footsie with me under the table at staff meetings, but I’m just stringing him along because I’m actually dating a different personal trainer from each of the 3 Lifetime Fitnesses in my neighborhood.
Definitely not getting drunk all the time anymore…
For real though, not getting drunk all the time anymore. And making a butt-ton more money than I was at 24.
Note: 25th birthday = Oct. 5, 2011, so there’s still time…
We were also a little drunk and took approx 37 photos for our “future album cover” in the bathroom. We decided on this one because it says “We’re funny and sorta pretty and we’ll surprise you with our levels of ROCK.” P.S. None of us can play an instrument. Actually, I was 2nd chair french horn in high school, so…
My tweets will tell you absolutely nothing about how the show was. Read them if you so choose.