Posts tagged Exercise

• Accept my Hello Kitty obsession for what it is: kitschy and adorable. Buy me things to feed the beast that is said obsession.


• Call me “Auntie Kel” when I’m holding your baby who I’m in no way related to. Not just anybody can be an honorary Aunt, you know. Oh… they can?


• Compliment my outline-of-the-state-of-Minnesota tattoo. Say I was definitely the first one to get it and, thus, started the fad.


• Make me cookies and then tell me I’m skinny and pretty while I eat them.


• Refer to my blog/twitter/musical taste as awesome and underrated.


• Make fun of other people with dreadlocks. Tell me that you realize I’m one-of-a-kind and a special exception to the dreadlock stereotype.


• Mention how you bet I could do more push ups than you. I’m up to like 12 in a row, FYI *kisses bicep*.


• Invite me to your wedding and give me a +1. This is a two-fer: You not only want me at your special day, but you also assume I might have a boy to bring. I probably won’t, but I appreciate the thought.

A - #AwwHellNo

B - #BrainerdWorkVaca
Atleast the hotel had cookies at the front desk. OH WAIT, THEY WERE OUT. Fuckin’ Brainerd. 

C - #ClassicGoobs
For boogers? 

D - #DontYouDareWoofAtMe
For dogs? 

E - #EffThisNose
I think I probably meant “noise?” If not, I was actually unaware of my apparently subconscious hatred of my schnoz.

F - #FrankOceanSwoonyPants
I mean, right?

G - #GrandOldDay
Don’t ask me, I don’t seem to remember anything. #TooManyMimosas 

H - #HeckYes
I refuse to believe that Napoleon Dynamite quotes are finished. 

I - #IWannaDie
Every Saturday/Sunday morning. 

J - #JustSayin
I “just say” a lot of stuff. 

K - #KelseyFact
No one cares, Kels. 

L - #LAWLZ

M - #MyFeetFeelFatDotCom
Just one of those days, ya heard? 

N - #NowPlaying

O - #OffBeats
In reference to my annoying french horn parts when playing in Family Band, a twice annual familial music group formed by all my cousins, aunts/uncles, sisters, parents, and Grandpa on the tuba. We play Christmas carols in Dec. and Sousa marches in July. We suck.

P - #PizzaLuceBlockParty
Little did I know that the cool kids were tweeting sans the “pizza” at #LuceBlockParty. 

Q - #QuestionablePoopLikeStainOnSidewalk
Outside the CVS in Midway. Don’t know why I was surprised, being that I was at the Midway CVS and all. 

R - #RomanticFrenchHipHopSwag
Talking about MC Solaar, tryin’ to be cool. You know how it is.  

S - #SweatySwag
This is what I have after I got for a run and have convinced myself that I still look/smell just fine. 

T - #TeenSanta
A Shane Shane song you must know. 

U - #UTJUSYhahahhaha
This was obviously some sort of “hilarious” acronym I came up with while drunk. 

V - #VaginalInterpretation
??? 

W - #WineDrunk
What else is new, eh? 

X - I have no hashtags saved in my phone that start with “x.” Suggestions?

Y - #YuckBuckFuckCluckDuckMuckTRUCK
♥ rhyming. ♥ trucks.

Z - #ZebrasWhatWhatInTheButt
Apparently I was pretty stoked to see my striped friends at the Como Zoo. 

1. Playing with matches in my childhood bed.
   Age 7
   I was found out when my mom discovered the burn marks in the sheets. I told her it had been a test because I thought she was slacking on her chores. It was nice to finally know that I could trust that she was doing her motherly duty of washing my bedding.


2. Rolling up pieces of napkins while my family was eating at a restaurant, telling them I had to go to the bathroom, then going outside and pretending to smoke them like cigarettes.
   Age 9
   The Ground Round by HarMar Mall turned into World War III real quick.


3. Having my AIM password as “MomsFartsStink55.”
   Age 14
   Well, they did. And how was I supposed to know she would read an article telling her to check up on her kids’ online activities to make sure they weren’t unknowingly getting involved in child sex trafficking? She said I couldn’t see “Dude Where’s My Car?” or get my ears double pierced until I told her my log-in. Talk about leverage.


4. Making a mythology video for my 10th grade English class project entitled “Smokey McDoobie Saves the Day.”
   Age 16
   It involved a lot of Ken Dolls reenacting scenes from the Odyssey and featured every 420 reference we could think of. It was literally brimming with cinematic integrity, obvi. Despite getting a call home from our teacher, I believe we got a B+ (!?).


5. Participating in Nugget-Offs (the ultimate carnivorous competition) before high school swim meets.
   Age 17
   One day, after an especially fierce showing at the Midway Wendy’s, I broke the school record in the 100 yard butterfly, then barfed everywhere (in the pool, out of the pool, you name it). And to the St. Paul City Swimming Conference, I issue this challenge: Just try to forget Kelsey McDonough. I dare you.

Yesssss.

The Warrior Dash race takes place at Afton Alps, which will be surrounded by a huge moat that is swarming with alligators and sharks. And the Lochness Monster is chillin’ in there too. You have to park your cars, board a ship, grab a 20 foot ore, and start a-rowin’.

Once you dock the ship, you have to say the password (prolly like “braided beard” or “Grrr” or something, LOL) and the huge wooden double doors of the castle (oh yeah, it’s in a castle, did I forget to tell you that?) will swing open, inviting you into a bustling peasant world filled with raucous laughter, ragged children begging for coins, sheep bleating, and busty milk maids wiping sweat from their brow.

They signify the start of the race by making a captured enemy walk the plank into the moat. The crowd raises their swords in hoorah and takes off on to the course. The first obstacle is a field where dozens of cannons are being shot/exploding. Arrows whiz past your face as you try to make your way across the battle without dying. After that you have to clip a semi truck to your beard and tow it 100 yards. Next is a battle of wits where you must listen to a riddle from a sheisty dwarf, then drink one of three cups (two of which are poisoned with the blood of a one-eyed troll). Now it’s just a sprint to the finish. Ugh, your iron combat boots have never felt so heavy, and your fur vest is really sticking to your sweaty back, but you’re soooo close…

Upon finishing the race, you are awarded a turkey leg, a golden goblet overflowing with frothy ale, a 30 pound ruby-encrusted axe, and a wench named Millicent. I think you also get knighted. Sir Kelsalot . It’s got a nice ring to it.