Posts tagged Holiday

You know when the clock strikes midnight marking the new year and someone shouts “New Year resolution time!” but you hear “New Year revolution time!” so you grab the nearest bayonet and stab your roommates coworker through the thigh and everyone stops dancing to Miley Cirus (because why would you not start the new year with “Party in the USA?” You’re in America and you’re having a party, after all) and they stare at you all confused/terrified? God, it’s just about the worst. 

• Medusa
• An Octopus
• Bob Marley
• A Hippie
• Cousin It with dreadlocks

“This boat drives wacky fast!” 
- Mom

Grandma: “What kind of fireworks did you buy?”
Kelsey: “I got a turtle that shoots fire pellets out of its ass.”
Grandma: “What did you say?”
Grandpa: “She said she got a girdle that shoots tire bullets, wait, what?”
Grandma: “What? What did you say?”

“Those fireworks are wacky loud!”
- Mom (apparently somebody found a new phrase)

“God bless America. And birthday cake. And Canada.”
- Grandma 

“Tonight (July 4th) would be the perfect time to shoot someone.”
- John Conn