Posts tagged How To

Don’t be nervous. Jeff Bridges called you for a reason. He leads a busy life and would most likely appreciate a little chillax sesh. Grab your flask and take him somewhere serene where you can relax and talk about life and spirituality in gruff voices. Watching a Montana sunset while dangling your legs off the side of a cliff would be ideal. Scared of heights/not in or around Montana? That’s OK, you’ll figure something out. But whatever you do, do not take him to a bowling alley. He’ll call you a “wise guy,” and spit on your back when you fall down clutching your crotch (which he just kicked).

Wait, wait, wait… have you even thought of what you’ll wear? Denim is always a good choice, but don’t be an “obvious cowboy.” Jeff Bridges admires subtlety. You can always go the “hint of twang” route by incorporating a western item in with an otherwise non-western ensemble. Think bolero or maybe some spurs. That’s raw.

Like location and outfit, conversation is something you’ll want to choose carefully. The most important thing to remember is that he already knows the lines of the movies he’s been in. He was in them. They’re his fucking lines. He doesn’t need some jackass to remind him of what a quality character “The Dude” was. Material like “That rug really tied the room together” and anything having to do with Vietnam, toes by 3 o’clock, or rolling/not rolling on Shabbos are reserved for 19-year-old college stoners. If you want his respect, and let’s face it… you do, you’re going to have to dig deeper. Also, Jeff Bridges isn’t pestering you to talk about super embarrassing thing you did that one time, is he? No, he’s not, so in mutual respect, don’t bring up Tron. You’d think he would also hate talking about the fact that he was in Stick It, but in reality, he admires the tween gymnastics film for being the edgy voyage of self-discovery that it is.

Lastly, try to play it cool. Don’t text him tomorrow saying what a great time you had. Jeff Bridges doesn’t text and he certainly doesn’t want to hear your pathetic compliments about how manly his beard is. So just save it. He’ll call you. Or he’ll have that whiny MILF Maggie Gyllenhaal call you. Whatever he wants. He’s Jeff Bridges, after all. Who the fuck are you? 

Here’s why we should bring them back:
These are tough times. We all know this. The economy is still in the shitter (I think) and we need to do everything we can to stand out as unique individuals who have tons of creative energy to offer. So ditch the FirstNameLastName@gmail.com bullshit and follow these simple steps.

DIY: The “Overly Explanatory E-mail Address Formula” (foolproof)

• Step One: Self Expression (part one of two)
  Pick a word that embodies you in some way. What do you like about yourself? What makes you unique? Do you tell it like it is? Perfect, choose a word like sassy. 


• Step Two: Self Expression cont. (part two of two)
  Repeat step one. It’s best if you can make this word start with same letter or rhyme with the first word. If your actual name starts with that letter, fine, but Sassy Swimmer sounds a lot cooler than Sassy Susan, just sayin’.


• Step Three: The Number
  This step is where you can really add a little mystery! Pick literally any number. It could be something obvious like your high school graduation year, or something more secretive like 42. This could refer the age your mom was when she divorced your dad, your sexual partner tally, or even what you wish your sexual partner tally was. If you’re going the obscure/myterious number route, keep the meaning/non-meaning to yourself. It’ll make people think it’s super important and personal. It’s artsy to have secrets.


• Step Four: The Domain
  You might think people stop reading your e-mail address after the @ sign. Wrong. Here’s what your domain is saying about you:
  Gmail.com = I’m stuck up young professional. I wear glasses so you think I’m smarter than you.
  Yahoo.com, Hotmail.com or AOL.com = I’m a free spirit who also reads the news.
  Juno.com or anything that ends in .net (now we’re talkin’!) = I’m charmingly wacky and have never felt the need to “upgrade” to a more serious e-mail address. I’m just being ME, OK? Deal with it!


• Result:
  sassyswimmer42@juno.com 

Other helpful tips:

• Customize your e-mail signature by writing your name in magenta colored Comic Sans or some other fun font (Lucinda Handwriting is sooooo beautiful!).
• E-mail is a hard medium for conveying emotion and tone of voice. But, HELLOOOO, that’s why emoticons were invented! :P

EDIT: See this post on a real blog that people actually read.