Posts tagged Minneapolis

Bon Iver or Fleet Foxes

• Fresh produce, but not, like, tomatoes and grapes. I want the more obscure stuff; the “underrated” ones like rhubarb, avocado, and anything that still tastes like earth.
• Fair trade coffee. All proceeds go toward buying cabin recording studios for musically inclined Columbian children. 
• Vegan queso dip
• Some sort of local beer from a brewery nobody’s ever heard of. It probably has hints of tears and snow.
• Beard trimmer… haha, NOT!

Atmosphere or The Roots

• Swisher Sweets (you can keep the tobacco, alls I need is the wrap)
• Meat. Prolly like steak or something, LOL.
• Gin and juice
• Chips and candy
• Do they sell Timberlands at the grocery store? ‘Cuz I need some.
• Hennessy

Ke$ha or Skrillex

• Diet pills
• Jolt, Red Bull, or and 5 Hour Energy
• Limes
• Cocaine (I’m obviously at the Rainbow in Midway)
• Frozen Taco Bell burritos (for later)
• Plunger for the toilet that I will vom into/around (also for later)

Gayngs, The XX, or Frank Ocean

• Pourable chocolate sauce
• Condoms

Go to the beach & try to blend in. Options include:

• Calhoun Beach: Wear your newest Victoria’s Secret polka dot bikini, bring only water (NO FOOD, you fat ass), wade in the water, but only up to your knees. Throw back the frisbee that landed by your feet. But definitely don’t throw it too straight. Do it sloppy. Then giggle.
• Hidden Beach: Strap on your vintage-inspired Urban Outfitters bikini (you’ll just tell them it was your aunt’s from when she was in high school) and pick up a case of Premium. Make sure it’s BOTTLES, though. It makes it look like you disregard safety. Just like when you weave in and out of traffic on your brakeless, one speed bike with no helmet and a cigarette in one hand. Just like that.
• Lake Elmo: If this is really an option for you, then so be it. Don’t forget your gigantic, white men’s t-shirt you wear over your suit when you swim. And by swim I mean stand in the water, picking your wedgie, and yelling at your kids who are probably drowning in a 4 foot deep, man-made lake.

Pick up a shift at your 2nd job (the restaurant) just so that you can sit in the back cooler. You’ll call it “The Ice Cave” and you can bring the mistake order of calamari and it will be a grand ol’ time.

Have a “Too Hot For Clothes” party. You can wear some cheekies and that shirt you still have from 7th grade that you had to sneak away to buy while your mom was at Cinnabun because it’s “shredded.” But remember… the last time you went to a party like this you were constantly nervous that people would think your ass sweat was really you peeing your pants. But really, both are terrible, so why were you so worried about one over the other?

Sit in the air conditioning at your mom’s house and write blog posts. She might even bring you a hot pocket and tell you that she doesn’t really care for the tacky fence the neighbors are putting up. Also, you look sort of tired. Maybe you should be getting more sleep. And exercising.

Local:

• Carbon Copy (CC) Club: Exclusive cubicle gang, obvi.
• Mega Points for Lovely Sex (MPLS): “You know, a bathroom hookup is hard to pull off gracefully, but MPLS for you, kid-o.”
• MAKE MORE MUFFINS! (3M): Breadsmith’s dictatorship-esque motto.

Miscellaneous: 

• Advanced Aardvark Rental Permits (AARP): Well, you surely couldn’t assume that you’d be able to ride one of those things without being properly certified, COULD YOU?!
• Not Actually A Cat Person (NAACP): “Would you like to touch my feline?” “Oh hey, thanks for that super duper offer, but I’m NAACP.”
• Mostly Vaginal Penetration (MVP): I mean, CVP (Complete Vaginal Penetration) is always the goal, but, you know, nobody’s perfect, especially after 4 PBR tallboys.

Saturday was the amillionth annual Rock the Garden, the outdoor, multi-band concert put on by 89.3 The Current and the Walker Art Center. As most ‘certs go, it was a “rain or shine” type deal, but man oh man, did we eeeeeever squawk about the weather! I mean, I realize we’re all Midwesterners and our conversation topics seldom fall outside the realm of construction, snow, and snow construction, but jeeeeez! Buy yourself a 2 gallon bucket of french fries accompanied by a separate, slightly smaller bucket of ketchup and enjoy the show! Needless to say, we were soaked and seriously muddy, AKA wet and dirrrty. 

Mmk, and for the childish reviews…

Tapes ‘n Tapes: Good volume, fun and rocky. Seemed a little nervous, but that’s OK because they’re local and we cream our jeans for local.

Booker T: We’re getting dancie because we finally figured out where the beer tend is. Plus everybody feels grown up for liking songs with no words in them. This is also when Robb made a cup holder out of my hair.

Neko Case: Yeah, yeah, yeah, the “Man Eater” song is real fun, but I thought she was kind of a snoozefest, so maybe I’m just not quite Indie enough?

My Morning Jacket: Hellllllo Beard City. In other news, those boots were the DREAM!

Fave Tweets:

Suggestions for next year:

1. Re-brand as “RAWK the Garden” seeing as “just sounding it out” is increasingly in these days. 
2. MPR is always so appreciative of its memebers, so perhaps they should give every concert goer a rock of varying sizes as a Thank You For Buying A Ticket gift (This suggestion comes with some potential safety issues).
3. Designated Mud Pit for concert goers to play in whilst channeling the fun that was had at #RTG2011
4. Better weather? Eh? Eh? 
5. Resurrect Elvis, convince him it’s a worthy cause.