Posts tagged Mom
Posts tagged Mom
Me: “How do you get stomach cancer?”
Mom: “Swallowing your gum.”
Me: “No way.”
Mom: “Not cleaning your room.”
Me: “Shut up.”
Mom: “Telling your mother to shut up.”
“This boat drives wacky fast!”
Grandma: “What kind of fireworks did you buy?”
Kelsey: “I got a turtle that shoots fire pellets out of its ass.”
Grandma: “What did you say?”
Grandpa: “She said she got a girdle that shoots tire bullets, wait, what?”
Grandma: “What? What did you say?”
“Those fireworks are wacky loud!”
- Mom (apparently somebody found a new phrase)
“God bless America. And birthday cake. And Canada.”
“Tonight (July 4th) would be the perfect time to shoot someone.”
- John Conn
Go to the beach & try to blend in. Options include:
Pick up a shift at your 2nd job (the restaurant) just so that you can sit in the back cooler. You’ll call it “The Ice Cave” and you can bring the mistake order of calamari and it will be a grand ol’ time.
Have a “Too Hot For Clothes” party. You can wear some cheekies and that shirt you still have from 7th grade that you had to sneak away to buy while your mom was at Cinnabun because it’s “shredded.” But remember… the last time you went to a party like this you were constantly nervous that people would think your ass sweat was really you peeing your pants. But really, both are terrible, so why were you so worried about one over the other?
Sit in the air conditioning at your mom’s house and write blog posts. She might even bring you a hot pocket and tell you that she doesn’t really care for the tacky fence the neighbors are putting up. Also, you look sort of tired. Maybe you should be getting more sleep. And exercising.