Posts tagged Mom

Me: “How do you get stomach cancer?”
Mom: “Swallowing your gum.”
Me: “No way.”
Mom: “Not cleaning your room.”
Me: “Shut up.”
Mom: “Telling your mother to shut up.”

• Comas
  When someone was said to be in “a coma,” I thought that they had taken some time off work and were lounging on a beach in a place called “Acoma.” It didn’t really help that my grandma once explained being in a coma to me as a going on “life vacation.”


• Dog Food vs. People Food
  Earlier in life, I was often found pounding kibble bits while my four-legged homie huffed my applesauce. Grass is always greener, ya know?


• Sexual Orientation as a Profession
  I thought our lesbian neighbors were gay the way my dad was a lawyer and my mom was a nurse. The gayer, or more flamboyant, you were, the better you were at your chosen “profession.” I was pretty confused when my mom said there was no doubt in her mind that a boy at my 2nd grade bus stop was a flamer. I remember thinking, “But he hasn’t even gone to college yet… he must be really smart.”


• 2nd and 3rd Base
  I still don’t think I know what they are. Isn’t there a rhyme I should have learned at some point?

1. Playing with matches in my childhood bed.
   Age 7
   I was found out when my mom discovered the burn marks in the sheets. I told her it had been a test because I thought she was slacking on her chores. It was nice to finally know that I could trust that she was doing her motherly duty of washing my bedding.


2. Rolling up pieces of napkins while my family was eating at a restaurant, telling them I had to go to the bathroom, then going outside and pretending to smoke them like cigarettes.
   Age 9
   The Ground Round by HarMar Mall turned into World War III real quick.


3. Having my AIM password as “MomsFartsStink55.”
   Age 14
   Well, they did. And how was I supposed to know she would read an article telling her to check up on her kids’ online activities to make sure they weren’t unknowingly getting involved in child sex trafficking? She said I couldn’t see “Dude Where’s My Car?” or get my ears double pierced until I told her my log-in. Talk about leverage.


4. Making a mythology video for my 10th grade English class project entitled “Smokey McDoobie Saves the Day.”
   Age 16
   It involved a lot of Ken Dolls reenacting scenes from the Odyssey and featured every 420 reference we could think of. It was literally brimming with cinematic integrity, obvi. Despite getting a call home from our teacher, I believe we got a B+ (!?).


5. Participating in Nugget-Offs (the ultimate carnivorous competition) before high school swim meets.
   Age 17
   One day, after an especially fierce showing at the Midway Wendy’s, I broke the school record in the 100 yard butterfly, then barfed everywhere (in the pool, out of the pool, you name it). And to the St. Paul City Swimming Conference, I issue this challenge: Just try to forget Kelsey McDonough. I dare you.

“This boat drives wacky fast!” 
- Mom

Grandma: “What kind of fireworks did you buy?”
Kelsey: “I got a turtle that shoots fire pellets out of its ass.”
Grandma: “What did you say?”
Grandpa: “She said she got a girdle that shoots tire bullets, wait, what?”
Grandma: “What? What did you say?”

“Those fireworks are wacky loud!”
- Mom (apparently somebody found a new phrase)

“God bless America. And birthday cake. And Canada.”
- Grandma 

“Tonight (July 4th) would be the perfect time to shoot someone.”
- John Conn

Go to the beach & try to blend in. Options include:

• Calhoun Beach: Wear your newest Victoria’s Secret polka dot bikini, bring only water (NO FOOD, you fat ass), wade in the water, but only up to your knees. Throw back the frisbee that landed by your feet. But definitely don’t throw it too straight. Do it sloppy. Then giggle.
• Hidden Beach: Strap on your vintage-inspired Urban Outfitters bikini (you’ll just tell them it was your aunt’s from when she was in high school) and pick up a case of Premium. Make sure it’s BOTTLES, though. It makes it look like you disregard safety. Just like when you weave in and out of traffic on your brakeless, one speed bike with no helmet and a cigarette in one hand. Just like that.
• Lake Elmo: If this is really an option for you, then so be it. Don’t forget your gigantic, white men’s t-shirt you wear over your suit when you swim. And by swim I mean stand in the water, picking your wedgie, and yelling at your kids who are probably drowning in a 4 foot deep, man-made lake.

Pick up a shift at your 2nd job (the restaurant) just so that you can sit in the back cooler. You’ll call it “The Ice Cave” and you can bring the mistake order of calamari and it will be a grand ol’ time.

Have a “Too Hot For Clothes” party. You can wear some cheekies and that shirt you still have from 7th grade that you had to sneak away to buy while your mom was at Cinnabun because it’s “shredded.” But remember… the last time you went to a party like this you were constantly nervous that people would think your ass sweat was really you peeing your pants. But really, both are terrible, so why were you so worried about one over the other?

Sit in the air conditioning at your mom’s house and write blog posts. She might even bring you a hot pocket and tell you that she doesn’t really care for the tacky fence the neighbors are putting up. Also, you look sort of tired. Maybe you should be getting more sleep. And exercising.