Posts tagged Sexy Swag

“That project won’t take very long. Just whip it out.”

This afternoon, Liz’s confusion of two simple phrases led to an incredibly awkward situation with a middle-aged male coworker.

“Whip through it” + “”Crank it out” = “Whip it out” and a pending sexual harassment charge.

A - #AwwHellNo

B - #BrainerdWorkVaca
Atleast the hotel had cookies at the front desk. OH WAIT, THEY WERE OUT. Fuckin’ Brainerd. 

C - #ClassicGoobs
For boogers? 

D - #DontYouDareWoofAtMe
For dogs? 

E - #EffThisNose
I think I probably meant “noise?” If not, I was actually unaware of my apparently subconscious hatred of my schnoz.

F - #FrankOceanSwoonyPants
I mean, right?

G - #GrandOldDay
Don’t ask me, I don’t seem to remember anything. #TooManyMimosas 

H - #HeckYes
I refuse to believe that Napoleon Dynamite quotes are finished. 

I - #IWannaDie
Every Saturday/Sunday morning. 

J - #JustSayin
I “just say” a lot of stuff. 

K - #KelseyFact
No one cares, Kels. 

L - #LAWLZ

M - #MyFeetFeelFatDotCom
Just one of those days, ya heard? 

N - #NowPlaying

O - #OffBeats
In reference to my annoying french horn parts when playing in Family Band, a twice annual familial music group formed by all my cousins, aunts/uncles, sisters, parents, and Grandpa on the tuba. We play Christmas carols in Dec. and Sousa marches in July. We suck.

P - #PizzaLuceBlockParty
Little did I know that the cool kids were tweeting sans the “pizza” at #LuceBlockParty. 

Q - #QuestionablePoopLikeStainOnSidewalk
Outside the CVS in Midway. Don’t know why I was surprised, being that I was at the Midway CVS and all. 

R - #RomanticFrenchHipHopSwag
Talking about MC Solaar, tryin’ to be cool. You know how it is.  

S - #SweatySwag
This is what I have after I got for a run and have convinced myself that I still look/smell just fine. 

T - #TeenSanta
A Shane Shane song you must know. 

U - #UTJUSYhahahhaha
This was obviously some sort of “hilarious” acronym I came up with while drunk. 

V - #VaginalInterpretation
??? 

W - #WineDrunk
What else is new, eh? 

X - I have no hashtags saved in my phone that start with “x.” Suggestions?

Y - #YuckBuckFuckCluckDuckMuckTRUCK
♥ rhyming. ♥ trucks.

Z - #ZebrasWhatWhatInTheButt
Apparently I was pretty stoked to see my striped friends at the Como Zoo. 

Age 3
Married to my cousin Jameson and living in a pink treehouse underneath a rainbow. We also have like 16 puppies that never grow up into real dogs, they just stay puppies forever and poop out bite-size Oreos.

Age 9
Accomplished Olympic swimmer with so many gold medals that I couldn’t feasibly wear them all at the same time because it would break my neck and the shine would be too much for the eyes of mere humans.

Age 14
Dating someone like Travis Barker or a Sum 41 band member, touring the country in a pimped out Greyhound, drinking big-can-energy-drinks and being “punky.” We would be so rich that we would install DVD players on our BMX bikes so we could watch Jackass movies while doing tricks on that ramp thingie.

Age 18
The high school kids’ favorite math teacher. They call Miss Kel and come to me with their teen issues ‘cuz they know I know what’s hip. The sexy, slightly older principle plays footsie with me under the table at staff meetings, but I’m just stringing him along because I’m actually dating a different personal trainer from each of the 3 Lifetime Fitnesses in my neighborhood.

Age 21
Definitely not getting drunk all the time anymore…

Age 24
For real though, not getting drunk all the time anymore. And making a butt-ton more money than I was at 24.

Note: 25th birthday = Oct. 5, 2011, so there’s still time…

• Comas
  When someone was said to be in “a coma,” I thought that they had taken some time off work and were lounging on a beach in a place called “Acoma.” It didn’t really help that my grandma once explained being in a coma to me as a going on “life vacation.”


• Dog Food vs. People Food
  Earlier in life, I was often found pounding kibble bits while my four-legged homie huffed my applesauce. Grass is always greener, ya know?


• Sexual Orientation as a Profession
  I thought our lesbian neighbors were gay the way my dad was a lawyer and my mom was a nurse. The gayer, or more flamboyant, you were, the better you were at your chosen “profession.” I was pretty confused when my mom said there was no doubt in her mind that a boy at my 2nd grade bus stop was a flamer. I remember thinking, “But he hasn’t even gone to college yet… he must be really smart.”


• 2nd and 3rd Base
  I still don’t think I know what they are. Isn’t there a rhyme I should have learned at some point?

1. Wear my braces headgear to school. 
   I told that bully Robb Nelson that my dentist made me wear it 20 hours per day so I had to wear it during school. That was a lie. I thought it was cool. I easily could have satisfied the required 8 hours per day while sleeping, but then nobody would’ve seen me in my sweet robot mask, so fuck that. 
   
    



2. Watch Grease over 300 times (I’m QUITE serious) by the time I graduated from the 3rd grade. Sometimes I insisted being called Frenchie (so inappropriate for a 7-year-old) because I thought she had the best career aspirations of the bunch. A true role model. 
   
    



3. Listen to these cassette tapes:
   
   • Cheech the Schoolbus Driver - Yep, this is a children’s act featuring Cheech Marin of Cheech & Chong fame. He played a wacky Mexican bus driver who takes his young patrons on wild adventures where they learn important lessons like racial equality, independence, and how to get to school on time even if you accidentally take a wrong turn and somehow end up inside someone’s brain learning about seratonin. 
     
     
     
   • Barbie & the Rockers - I was so delusional/naive that I thought Cyndi Lauper had stolen Barbie’s material when I heard “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” on a real radio station. I still hold some unexplainable grudge against the Laup, but this could also be attributed to her extremely offensive overall personal appearance. 
     
      = ugly talent theif
     
      = awesome hit-making BFFLs
   
   
4. Wear just my swimsuit and cleats to baseball practice.
   I would do this if I had swim practice right after baseball. I thought I was making it pretty clear to my cute male teammates that I was a strong, athletic female who was also capable of exuding sheer sexiness. 

Thanks, parents. Thanks a lot. I guess I turned out… OK…?

HipsterSurferCoolKid band The Rapture has a new album coming out in the fall and their newly released single is already blowing up. “How Deep Is Your Love” has already been entered into my own “What song will I play over and over throughout the summer until my friends disown me for being so fucking annoying” competition. 

Yes yes yes, it’s a good song, no doubt. BUT… doesn’t the chorus remind you a little of a silver-haired (literally) hit from yesteryear? “Mmhmm, sure does,” you say. 

Now, to compare…

“Let me hear that sooooooong”

“Let me see that thooooooong”

Just sayin’.

EDIT (8-23-11): AHA! Proof (4th paragraph): http://bit.ly/qzJyBU