WELL UR ACCEPTABLE 2 ME RICKY, BB. I don’t care bout ur stoopie ACL.
I was the first one to have the Minnesota outline tattoo. The first. I swear.
The Minnesota state outline
What a super-duper way to represent your Minnesota pride! It’s tasteful and inoffensive, plus it won’t hurt or cost too much because it’s hardly a tattoo. However, be warned: this is soooo yesterday. At least four people in your Uptown apartment complex have…
Here’s a little diddy I wrote for the Tangential:
Security questions I am asked:
- Where did you go on your honeymoon?
Shut up, Associated Bank, I’m sure you can put two and two together when my bank statement showcases nightly visits to the gas station to buy pints of Ben & Jerry’s.
- What’s your favorite sports team?
What team is Tom…
I just realized that Mark Hoppus of Blink 182 was at the same Twins game as me last night. My 7th-9th grade self just rolled her eyes back into her skull, peed herself and fainted. She now lies frothy-mouthed, convulsing on the ground with sheer joy.
- People will think you’re athletic. Wanna step it up? Wear a medal or a race bib or something to make them think you’re good ‘n’ fit.
- If someone says you smell bad, tell them it’s because you just ran a marathon, so lay the fuck off.
- If you go home with a boy and have to do the Walk of Shame the next morning, you can just jog it out. People will think, “Now there is responsible young adult. Waking up on Saturday morning to exercise! I bet she never makes drunken mistakes that she’ll regret forever. What a role model!”
- You can time all kinds of stuff with that high tech, split-calculating watch you’ve got on. Is your drunk friend wondering how much time passes between each of her hiccups? No prob (brushes imaginary dust of shoulder).
- You’ll save money by sneaking booze into the bar in those little water bottles you attach to that runner’s fanny pack/waistband thing.
- People will most certainly look at you. Everybody needs a little attention now and then. If this is the only way for you to get it, then so be it.
- If someone asks you do prove your athleticism by doing something inherently “athletic,” you might be in trouble. Best to have a little diddy prepared like a good Toe Touch Stretch or something.
- Yes, athletic gear will offer you a Walk of Shame sans the shame, however, the probability of you going home with someone, let alone getting hit on, while wearing spandex shorts, an oversized t-shirt, and your ratty-ass Asics is very slim.
Pros: like a million
Consensus: WEAR IT
Married to my cousin Jameson and living in a pink treehouse underneath a rainbow. We also have like 16 puppies that never grow up into real dogs, they just stay puppies forever and poop out bite-size Oreos.
Accomplished Olympic swimmer with so many gold medals that I couldn’t feasibly wear them all at the same time because it would break my neck and the shine would be too much for the eyes of mere humans.
Dating someone like Travis Barker or a Sum 41 band member, touring the country in a pimped out Greyhound, drinking big-can-energy-drinks and being “punky.” We would be so rich that we would install DVD players on our BMX bikes so we could watch Jackass movies while doing tricks on that ramp thingie.
The high school kids’ favorite math teacher. They call Miss Kel and come to me with their teen issues ‘cuz they know I know what’s hip. The sexy, slightly older principle plays footsie with me under the table at staff meetings, but I’m just stringing him along because I’m actually dating a different personal trainer from each of the 3 Lifetime Fitnesses in my neighborhood.
Definitely not getting drunk all the time anymore…
For real though, not getting drunk all the time anymore. And making a butt-ton more money than I was at 24.
Note: 25th birthday = Oct. 5, 2011, so there’s still time…
Funburn (noun) [fuhn-burn]: overexposure to enjoyable experiences, or “fun,” that leave your body pink and sore to the touch.
Best places to get “funburned”
- Valleyfair/Six Flags, or anywhere you can buy a fanny pack specially made to keep your cotton candy, chapstick necklace, and remaining $14 dry when you go on the water rides.
- Your sister’s high school track meet. Good thing you didn’t wear that flimsy sundress to impress your old physics teacher who doubles as the hurdles coach and good thing you didn’t think he was waving at you and you waved back, when he was really coming over to smooch his super gorgeous wife who’s sitting right next to you and good thing you didn’t make that super guttural noise you make when you’re nervous/embarrassed, and good thing they totally didn’t notice. Fuckin’ good thing none of that happened.
- The company softball game where you totally impress your boss with your athleticism, but you may have let your competitive edge get the best of you when you called Georgia from accounting a “preppy dipshit” for missing that pop fly.
- Your grandparent’s cabin where you’re the oldest one sitting at the kids table because none of the adult cousins gave you the memo that they were all going to the Black Keys show in Minneapolis. Whatev, cousins, I, like, just saw them at Coachella and I’d rather swim the boat in to shore when we run out of gas in the middle of the lake for the second time in three days anyway! Plus, we had a sick Uno tourney and Uncle Bob bought us like six boxes of those things you throw on the ground that make that popping sound. Suck on that.