Posts tagged Sports

Pros

• People will think you’re athletic. Wanna step it up? Wear a medal or a race bib or something to make them think you’re good ‘n’ fit.
• If someone says you smell bad, tell them it’s because you just ran a marathon, so lay the fuck off.
• If you go home with a boy and have to do the Walk of Shame the next morning, you can just jog it out. People will think, “Now there is responsible young adult. Waking up on Saturday morning to exercise! I bet she never makes drunken mistakes that she’ll regret forever. What a role model!”
• You can time all kinds of stuff with that high tech, split-calculating watch you’ve got on. Is your drunk friend wondering how much time passes between each of her hiccups? No prob (brushes imaginary dust of shoulder).
• You’ll save money by sneaking booze into the bar in those little water bottles you attach to that runner’s fanny pack/waistband thing.
• People will most certainly look at you. Everybody needs a little attention now and then. If this is the only way for you to get it, then so be it.

Cons

• If someone asks you do prove your athleticism by doing something inherently “athletic,” you might be in trouble. Best to have a little diddy prepared like a good Toe Touch Stretch or something.
• Yes, athletic gear will offer you a Walk of Shame sans the shame, however, the probability of you going home with someone, let alone getting hit on, while wearing spandex shorts, an oversized t-shirt, and your ratty-ass Asics is very slim.

Pros: like a million
Cons: 2
Consensus: WEAR IT 

Age 3
Married to my cousin Jameson and living in a pink treehouse underneath a rainbow. We also have like 16 puppies that never grow up into real dogs, they just stay puppies forever and poop out bite-size Oreos.

Age 9
Accomplished Olympic swimmer with so many gold medals that I couldn’t feasibly wear them all at the same time because it would break my neck and the shine would be too much for the eyes of mere humans.

Age 14
Dating someone like Travis Barker or a Sum 41 band member, touring the country in a pimped out Greyhound, drinking big-can-energy-drinks and being “punky.” We would be so rich that we would install DVD players on our BMX bikes so we could watch Jackass movies while doing tricks on that ramp thingie.

Age 18
The high school kids’ favorite math teacher. They call Miss Kel and come to me with their teen issues ‘cuz they know I know what’s hip. The sexy, slightly older principle plays footsie with me under the table at staff meetings, but I’m just stringing him along because I’m actually dating a different personal trainer from each of the 3 Lifetime Fitnesses in my neighborhood.

Age 21
Definitely not getting drunk all the time anymore…

Age 24
For real though, not getting drunk all the time anymore. And making a butt-ton more money than I was at 24.

Note: 25th birthday = Oct. 5, 2011, so there’s still time…

1. Playing with matches in my childhood bed.
   Age 7
   I was found out when my mom discovered the burn marks in the sheets. I told her it had been a test because I thought she was slacking on her chores. It was nice to finally know that I could trust that she was doing her motherly duty of washing my bedding.


2. Rolling up pieces of napkins while my family was eating at a restaurant, telling them I had to go to the bathroom, then going outside and pretending to smoke them like cigarettes.
   Age 9
   The Ground Round by HarMar Mall turned into World War III real quick.


3. Having my AIM password as “MomsFartsStink55.”
   Age 14
   Well, they did. And how was I supposed to know she would read an article telling her to check up on her kids’ online activities to make sure they weren’t unknowingly getting involved in child sex trafficking? She said I couldn’t see “Dude Where’s My Car?” or get my ears double pierced until I told her my log-in. Talk about leverage.


4. Making a mythology video for my 10th grade English class project entitled “Smokey McDoobie Saves the Day.”
   Age 16
   It involved a lot of Ken Dolls reenacting scenes from the Odyssey and featured every 420 reference we could think of. It was literally brimming with cinematic integrity, obvi. Despite getting a call home from our teacher, I believe we got a B+ (!?).


5. Participating in Nugget-Offs (the ultimate carnivorous competition) before high school swim meets.
   Age 17
   One day, after an especially fierce showing at the Midway Wendy’s, I broke the school record in the 100 yard butterfly, then barfed everywhere (in the pool, out of the pool, you name it). And to the St. Paul City Swimming Conference, I issue this challenge: Just try to forget Kelsey McDonough. I dare you.

1. Wear my braces headgear to school. 
   I told that bully Robb Nelson that my dentist made me wear it 20 hours per day so I had to wear it during school. That was a lie. I thought it was cool. I easily could have satisfied the required 8 hours per day while sleeping, but then nobody would’ve seen me in my sweet robot mask, so fuck that. 
   
    



2. Watch Grease over 300 times (I’m QUITE serious) by the time I graduated from the 3rd grade. Sometimes I insisted being called Frenchie (so inappropriate for a 7-year-old) because I thought she had the best career aspirations of the bunch. A true role model. 
   
    



3. Listen to these cassette tapes:
   
   • Cheech the Schoolbus Driver - Yep, this is a children’s act featuring Cheech Marin of Cheech & Chong fame. He played a wacky Mexican bus driver who takes his young patrons on wild adventures where they learn important lessons like racial equality, independence, and how to get to school on time even if you accidentally take a wrong turn and somehow end up inside someone’s brain learning about seratonin. 
     
     
     
   • Barbie & the Rockers - I was so delusional/naive that I thought Cyndi Lauper had stolen Barbie’s material when I heard “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” on a real radio station. I still hold some unexplainable grudge against the Laup, but this could also be attributed to her extremely offensive overall personal appearance. 
     
      = ugly talent theif
     
      = awesome hit-making BFFLs
   
   
4. Wear just my swimsuit and cleats to baseball practice.
   I would do this if I had swim practice right after baseball. I thought I was making it pretty clear to my cute male teammates that I was a strong, athletic female who was also capable of exuding sheer sexiness. 

Thanks, parents. Thanks a lot. I guess I turned out… OK…?

Funburn (noun) [fuhn-burn]: overexposure to enjoyable experiences, or “fun,” that leave your body pink and sore to the touch. 

Best places to get “funburned”

• Valleyfair/Six Flags, or anywhere you can buy a fanny pack specially made to keep your cotton candy, chapstick necklace, and remaining $14 dry when you go on the water rides.
• Your sister’s high school track meet. Good thing you didn’t wear that flimsy sundress to impress your old physics teacher who doubles as the hurdles coach and good thing you didn’t think he was waving at you and you waved back, when he was really coming over to smooch his super gorgeous wife who’s sitting right next to you and good thing you didn’t make that super guttural noise you make when you’re nervous/embarrassed, and good thing they totally didn’t notice. Fuckin’ good thing none of that happened.
• The company softball game where you totally impress your boss with your athleticism, but you may have let your competitive edge get the best of you when you called Georgia from accounting a “preppy dipshit” for missing that pop fly.
• Your grandparent’s cabin where you’re the oldest one sitting at the kids table because none of the adult cousins gave you the memo that they were all going to the Black Keys show in Minneapolis. Whatev, cousins, I, like, just saw them at Coachella and I’d rather swim the boat in to shore when we run out of gas in the middle of the lake for the second time in three days anyway! Plus, we had a sick Uno tourney and Uncle Bob bought us like six boxes of those things you throw on the ground that make that popping sound. Suck on that.