Funburn (noun) [fuhn-burn]: overexposure to enjoyable experiences, or “fun,” that leave your body pink and sore to the touch.
Best places to get “funburned”
- Valleyfair/Six Flags, or anywhere you can buy a fanny pack specially made to keep your cotton candy, chapstick necklace, and remaining $14 dry when you go on the water rides.
- Your sister’s high school track meet. Good thing you didn’t wear that flimsy sundress to impress your old physics teacher who doubles as the hurdles coach and good thing you didn’t think he was waving at you and you waved back, when he was really coming over to smooch his super gorgeous wife who’s sitting right next to you and good thing you didn’t make that super guttural noise you make when you’re nervous/embarrassed, and good thing they totally didn’t notice. Fuckin’ good thing none of that happened.
- The company softball game where you totally impress your boss with your athleticism, but you may have let your competitive edge get the best of you when you called Georgia from accounting a “preppy dipshit” for missing that pop fly.
- Your grandparent’s cabin where you’re the oldest one sitting at the kids table because none of the adult cousins gave you the memo that they were all going to the Black Keys show in Minneapolis. Whatev, cousins, I, like, just saw them at Coachella and I’d rather swim the boat in to shore when we run out of gas in the middle of the lake for the second time in three days anyway! Plus, we had a sick Uno tourney and Uncle Bob bought us like six boxes of those things you throw on the ground that make that popping sound. Suck on that.
Go to the beach & try to blend in. Options include:
- Calhoun Beach: Wear your newest Victoria’s Secret polka dot bikini, bring only water (NO FOOD, you fat ass), wade in the water, but only up to your knees. Throw back the frisbee that landed by your feet. But definitely don’t throw it too straight. Do it sloppy. Then giggle.
- Hidden Beach: Strap on your vintage-inspired Urban Outfitters bikini (you’ll just tell them it was your aunt’s from when she was in high school) and pick up a case of Premium. Make sure it’s BOTTLES, though. It makes it look like you disregard safety. Just like when you weave in and out of traffic on your brakeless, one speed bike with no helmet and a cigarette in one hand. Just like that.
- Lake Elmo: If this is really an option for you, then so be it. Don’t forget your gigantic, white men’s t-shirt you wear over your suit when you swim. And by swim I mean stand in the water, picking your wedgie, and yelling at your kids who are probably drowning in a 4 foot deep, man-made lake.
Pick up a shift at your 2nd job (the restaurant) just so that you can sit in the back cooler. You’ll call it “The Ice Cave” and you can bring the mistake order of calamari and it will be a grand ol’ time.
Have a “Too Hot For Clothes” party. You can wear some cheekies and that shirt you still have from 7th grade that you had to sneak away to buy while your mom was at Cinnabun because it’s “shredded.” But remember… the last time you went to a party like this you were constantly nervous that people would think your ass sweat was really you peeing your pants. But really, both are terrible, so why were you so worried about one over the other?
Sit in the air conditioning at your mom’s house and write blog posts. She might even bring you a hot pocket and tell you that she doesn’t really care for the tacky fence the neighbors are putting up. Also, you look sort of tired. Maybe you should be getting more sleep. And exercising.